On Letting (Worthy) Men Lead

A couple of dancers in purple, her hand on his heart, looking playfulIt can be hard for a strong woman to let a man lead.

Many of us have been taught that we’re supposed to be independent and self-sufficient. The concept of a man taking care of us is framed as retrograde and sexist.

But the ability to lead, to initiate, is traditionally masculine. And it’s highly attractive when men know how to do this.

Here’s the problem. Guys—kind, smart, educated, right-thinking guys—are taught that women must be treated as their equals. Fair enough. Essential, in fact.

But guys extrapolate, incorrectly, that they shouldn’t treat a woman like a lady.

That, on a first or second date, they shouldn’t hold the door for her. Pick up the tab.  Lean in for a goodnight kiss.

They get scared to lead.

Problem is, those traditional courtship rituals exist for a reason.

They work.

A couple dancing side by side, looking joyfulI don’t think I’m alone in this. I like it when a guy pursues me. I like to be courted. In the dance of relationships, I like to be led.

In dancing, when both people try to lead at the same time, it creates problems.

This doesn’t mean that Ginger was a doormat for Fred to wipe his shiny shoes on. It means that she, as the saying goes, did everything he did, except backwards and in high heels.

And she let him lead. Which is why they’re so beautiful when they move together.

For a while I was going to contra dances, where many women dance with many different guys over the course of an evening. It was fascinating to watch the way men would approach their chance to be close to me, and to move with me.

Some would hold me away from them carefully, like a breakable object.

Others would try to get, let’s just say up close and personal. Which could be nice, or gross, depending on the guy.

A man and woman dancing, lipstick on his cheek, looking blissfulBut I remember this one man who said at the end of our dance, “I want to dip you. Lean back.”

I leaned back, but I didn’t put my full weight into it. That would have meant ceding control to him.

“Relax,” he said. “I’ve got you.”

So I decided to trust him, and swooned backwards, nearly to the floor. And he held me, and then pulled me back upright.

So gentlemen. Don’t be afraid to tell a woman you want to dip her in the dance.

Ladies. Lean into it. Let him hold your full weight, if he’s brave enough to offer.

And under no circumstances ever give your trust, your control, or your metaphorical steering wheel to an unworthy dude. Even temporarily. It will end in an ignominious crash and bruising.

The right man will make you feel weightless, whatever you weigh.

He’ll make you feel like a great dancer, even if you have two left feet.

The power is entirely yours, women. You get to choose to whom you give your trust.

Don’t let the wrong man dip you.

A man dips a woman in a dance


Photo credits:
2017-02-17–22-17-56–6275–X-T2 by Richard Seely
Barcelona Swing by Jared Goralnick
Midsummer Night Swing at Damrosch Park in Lincoln Center by Diana Robinson
Barcelona Swing by Jared Goralnick

 

 

Striking a Match

A multicolored box of matchesI just signed up with a matchmaking service.

It was expensive. It was terrifying. And I’m incredibly excited.

I signed up because, at the age of 42, I’m single and looking for a wonderful man. I’ve been on and off of dating sites for 6+ years. I tried Rachel Greenwald’s program. My friends have set me up with their friends. I go to Meetups. I volunteer. I’ve checked out every venue from contra dances to church services.

In other words, I’ve been working hard on this.

I have my flaws and issues, for sure. But I’m also a catch.

Yet somehow, I’m still on my own.

*

Since the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over when it hasn’t worked, I am now done with Match.com, Bumble, and their ilk.

I’m trying something new.

This matchmaking service interviews its clients and gives each of us a dating lesson via Skype or Facetime. I haven’t done that part yet, but it sounds fascinating.

Then my “dating director” starts sending me descriptions and pictures of her clients, one at a time, whom she thinks I’ll enjoy meeting (and vice versa).

This leads to a date—usually after-work drinks or a weekend brunch. The service handles everything. They pick the venue where we meet, make a reservation for us if needed, coordinate the logistics.

My date and I don’t have each other’s contact info. We can ask for that at the end of the date, or go our separate ways.

*

So far I’ve been sent my first match, and my wingwoman at the dating service is lining up a time for us to meet.

I will keep you all posted.

Have you ever tried a matchmaking service? If so, what was your experience like?


Photo by Jeff, via Creative Commons license.